1. I would like them to fell how much Bob is going through, and what he is doing to fix things.
2. The things that works well is how I described how they talked and the emotion.
3. Probley how long it is, it was difficult.
4. The feedback that would be helpful is what i could add and change.
"911 what's your emergency?" "Help! Someone has been murdered." "Don't worry help is on the way just stay calm.” “What happened here Miss Renee?” Officer Harold said. “I don't know, I got home and there was a body on the floor.”said Renee in a terrified voice. “It's fine now, just come with us so we can ask you more questions.”
one sunny summer day in a small town called South Hadley, a few days before that murder happened, Bob the slinky finally got out of jail after being in there for 30 years for attempt at murder of the president. Now once he's out he has plans to do the unthinkable, murder all the people that made him go to jail for those 30 years.
30 years ago when he committed the attempt of murder, he was angry at the president. Because of the new law saying that slinkys should not be living like normal people. And that they should be back in there boxes with little boys and girls. So he and his other slinky friends planned to murder him so that law would not pass.
"Okay everyone what do we know about the murder?" Said officer Harold. "All we know is that he had experience with doing this before, cause no one can do anything like this." Said scientist Ducky. "Juan, search all different people that know how to do all procedures we found on the body." Said Harold.
The next day Bob the slinky went out to find his next victim. Today's victim is Nick, he was the one that chased after him and brought him to jail. "Hello Bob, see you finally got out of jail." Said nick in a sarcastic tone. The next thing Bob said caused nick to jump up and grabbed his gun. That was "I'm here to murder you for putting me in jail." And as soon as nick grabs his gun Bob attacks him, nick shoots him but bob is too focused on his task, and soon after Bob kills him with the spike on his head.
After that he realizes he got stabbed, and he rushes to the hospital. When he gets there they asked how it happened all he said was that he was training to be a ninja and did it on accident. They seemed to believe him because they did not ask anymore questions after that
"We found a match of who the murder could be Harold" said Juan. "Well don't just stand there! Tell me who it is" screamed Harold. "All the evidence points to Bob the slinky, the point on his head matches all the marks on the victim." About an hour later they get a call saying there had been another murder and they rushed over and see the same marks on Nick as they did on Jarod.
As soon as they get back to the office they notice something... That the two victims that got killed are people that helped get him arrested and put in jail for 30 years. "We have to do something before he kills more people!" Yelling Juan. "I know Juan I have a plan, And I know we will catch him."
A few days later they finially finished the plain, and the was to have one of the people he would go after and when he was about to kill him, they shoot Bob. then he will be ingered and will not beable to fight and kill Kevin. But that plain did not turn out as he has plained and hoped. Because Bob has suspected it when he came along the building that there were cop cars in the back and snipers on the roofs.
"Where is he, he should be here by now." Harold said. "Maybe he saw the snipers on the roofs and figured out what we were trying to do." Juan said in a sassy voice. "Juan I'm sick of your crap! This is not a time for joking around not get back to the office and find more evidence!" Officer Harold barked.
After being at the office for over 4 hours Juan finially came up with an idea. "I got it, I got it! We all know soon enough he will be going after you so how about you gather everyone that he wants to kill, and have him find out." "No snipers, no cars in back, just you then us hiding inside." Juan said. "That's a great idea Juan." Harold said.
About a week later the plan was complete. Bob the slinky knew all was getting together thinking bob got killd and they would all survive. "So you all thought I was dead? Well I'm not I'm right here in the living breathing flesh!" Bob said. "Now you all will get what you thought was never gonna happen, you all will die!" He said with anger. "Listen, you won't kill anyone here today, in fact you will be getting killed." Harold said. "Ha! I won't die you have no back up!" Bob said with delight. "Really? Come out boys!" As soon as Harold said that they all surrounded bob.
"What is going on here? This is not goin to happen!" And in a split second he took his gun an shot himself in the head. "Well we know we will never see ever again"